“Hello, this is ‘Steve,’ at Hughesnet technical support, how may I help you today?”
Well, ‘Steve,’ (Who are you kidding? We both know your name is Ramesh and they make you use a made-up anglicized name just to make we xenophobic, Ango-Saxon folk more comfortable)…but anyway, my cheap, but yet hugely overpriced plastic modem isn’t working. You remember two weeks ago when I called, and spent an hour waiting on you while I was on hold because I had no service and you told me that your satellite was down and to wait for a few hours and it’d be back? It’s like that, except it’s not going away this time.
“I am sorry for any inconvenience that your lack of service has caused you. May I put you on hold while I look at information about your account?”
Yep. At this point, I sigh a deep sigh of resignation, because I know I’m going to spend twenty minutes listening to a staticy Dollywood rendition of Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita” over and over and over. It seems to be the ONLY song on the Hughesnet customer non-service hold tape. I’m beginning to break out in hives every time I flip past it on the radio, I swear.
Four times. I listened to it FOUR times before Steve-Ramesh came back. “I am sorry for the long hold. I am checking information on your account. What is the problem?”
Well, Steve-Ramesh, I don’t have any internet!! You know, that service I’m paying you close to $100 a month for? Yeah, that. It’s not working. Kaputt. Dead. It is an ex-internet. It has shuffled off the mortal coil. It has gone to meet it’s maker. It is pushing up daisies. (OK, unless you’re familiar with Monty Python’s “Dead Parrot” sketch, this is going to make no sense. Go get the DVD. Seriously.)
“I am sorry for any inconvenience that your lack of service has caused you. May I put you on hold while I do some tests on your modem?” Sigh. Back to La Isla Bonita again. The static is so bad, it sounds like a Cuban AM radio station at 3 AM. At times the voice goes away entirely, and I’m listening to pure nerve-jangling static. At about the fifth repeat, I pop my head in the living room to see that the kids are fighting over a Nintendo DS and that the dog is eating the sock I’ve spent the last two days knitting. My blood pressure starts to make the roots of my hair tingle. Four more trips to La Isla Bonita later, and Steve-Ramesh comes back. “I am sorry for the long hold. I am testing issues with your modem.” He then runs me through a series that I’ve become so familiar with over the last year: unplug the modem, unplug the router, reboot the computer. Did that work? No. Now plug the modem directly into the computer, skipping the router and reboot everything again. Did that work? No.
At this point, I try to break through his robotic repetition of the “fix it” steps, and say, “Hey, Steve-Ramesh, I know what it is. We had a big storm and I’m fairly sure it got hit by lightning.” Steve ignores me, and presses on with his checklist. We ping. We ipconfig. We’re becoming fast friends and I’m beginning to toy with the idea of naming my next kid Steve-Ramesh. TWO HOURS LATER, and God only knows how many more “May I place you on hold” time periods, Steve-Ramesh says, “I think your modem may be defective, may I place you on hold so that I can check your account to send you a new one?” Sure, Steve, why not. What’s four or five more Isla Bonitas now between friends? “Thank you,” says Steve-Ramesh. And then he places me on hold.
There’s no music. There’s no static. HE’S DISCONNECTED ME!!!!
So I call back. I maneuver my way through the automated service, asking for technical support. “Hello, this is ‘Ivan’ at Hughesnet technical support, how may I help you today?” Well, Ivan, see, I was talking to Steve-Ramesh and we had it figured out but he disconnected me and I just need to talk to him again so that we can finish up our call. “I am sorry for any inconvenience that that your disconnection may have caused. How may I help you today?” At this point, I admit, I was ashamed to notice a pleading tone creeping into my voice. Please please please just let him give me back to Steve-Ramesh. I felt the vein over my eyebrow start to throb. I took a deep breath, and said well, Ivan (if that IS your real name), my internet’s not working and Steve-Ramesh says that I need a new modem. Ivan sounds more like the computer Hal from 2001: A Spacey Odyssey than an actual human being as he recites the Hughesnet mantra, “I am sorry for any inconvenience that your lack of service has caused you. May I put you on hold while I do some tests on your modem?” Without waiting for an answer, I’m thrown back to La Isla Bonita. I begin to wonder if it’s too early for an adult beverage.
I’ll spare you the details of the rest of the call, as Ivan forced me to repeat all of the same dance-steps that Steve-Ramesh had put me through: plugging, unplugging, pinging, re-wiring my computer, doing the Macarena….I’ll just say that at the end of yet another umpteen La Isla Bonitas, he, too, decided that a new modem was in order and that I should get one in “five to seven business days.” Oh, and he reminded me to ship the old one back, at my expense, or I’d be charged an outrageous sum of money for it. At that point, I didn’t care. I would have promised him almost anything just to get my email back.
And on the Seventh Day, the new modem came, via FEDEX. (Cue the angelic choir) And after another hour and a half of installation and some cursing, I looked upon the connection and it was good. And there was email, and I looked upon it and declared it good, too. And it kept coming, and coming, and coming. I think I had stored up 1000 emails over that week with no service. What was amazing was that almost NONE of them were actually for me. Most of them were trying to sell me something, or Nigerian diplomats letting me know I’ve come into an inheritance. I got it all, checked my Facebook and Myspace and went to bed.
We woke up the next morning and the kids went to do their online homeschool work. Mitchell came to get me, saying that his reading lesson wouldn’t load. It was running so slowly that it was unusable. Apparently, all of those “buy Viagra” emails used up my 200 megabyte a day bandwidth and Hughesnet “fapped” me. That means they slow you down for 24 hours to about half of dialup speed–slightly slower than a drunken snail sliming across sharp gravel–to punish you for using all the service you paid for. So I have yet another day of internet non-service to wade through.
Enraged, I gripped the phone.
“Hello, this is ‘Bob’ at Hughesnet technical support, how can I help you?” He robotically recited “I am sorry that you have been subjected to our FAP policy because you had no service for 2 weeks. How else may I help you?” I’m sure Bob spent his lunch break telling his co-workers Steve-Ramesh and Ivan over a lovely curry vindaloo about the crazy white woman who called him and then did nothing but scream, long and wordlessly into the phone, like someone staked out and being eaten alive by fire ants. I’m sure that it’s not the first time somebody got pushed over the sanity ledge by the robotic answers, the lack of anybody authorized to actually do anything, and the total lack of customer service.
I look at it this way: It could have been worse, Bob. I could have sung La Isla Bonita at you.