Depression Fix: Let’s go to the Fair

Woo hoo! Hello? Mr. President? Here I am, down, here! Under your nose! Can you see me now? How about it I climb up on top of the teleprompter. There! Can you see me now? Good. Because we need to have a chat, you and I. Why so depressed? Economy got you down? You must’ve spent a mint in here to redo the office. Looks spiffy, though. Nice rug you’ve got there. Um, you may want to re-check out that quote there sewn into that fancy new rug….MLK didn’t say that, my buddy Theodore Parker did. Nice guy, Theodore. You should have met him in college….no? What are they teaching college professors these days, I swear.

Who am I and how did I get in here? Well, I’m a friend of Mr. Paine. He helped build this town, you know. I’ve been hanging around since then, helping out when I can. Sure, I’ve been out of pocket for the last year or two, but I’m back now. You can call me Carmen. I guess you could call me Mrs. Sense if you want to be all formal. I don’t have many friends in town anymore, but there are some people who know me well enough to stand up for me. Sometimes we get together at the mall with my friends Sarah and Glenn and we have a cup of tea. Not exactly your social circle, I suppose, but I guess I’ve been “slumming” with the common folk for so long I don’t get out much in high society anymore.

No! No! Don’t call the Secret Service. I’m not here to go all jihad on you. I’m here to help you. I hear you’ve been having some problems with mid-term elections and poll numbers and such. I know, I know, don’t start crying on me, you’ll get your Armani all wet.  Well, honestly, you only have yourself to blame, you know. What did you think would happen when you turned everything over to that lunatic Pelosi and her friends? Yes, yes, I know. You thought you could just play golf and vacation in the Hamptons and that Nancy would handle things for you. Not working out so well, is it? No, I don’t have a tissue, suck it up for a bit, this is important.

We have to talk about your friends. Rahm and Van, and all that crew you hung out with in college. Just like sophomore year, when they talked you into that drunken panty raid over at Phi Mu, they’re steering you wrong now, dude. Remember how hungover you were the next day when you woke up naked in the law library? That’s what’s wrong with you now. You’re hungover, and naked, but now the whole world is laughing and pointing, and your boss Uncle Sam can’t have that. Sam has a reputation to maintain here. You know how things are, some people are OK for hanging out with on Saturday afternoon at the quad, but you gotta let them go when you grow up and move on. And if you want to keep your cushy job and the company plane, you’re going to have to grow up some, and quick. It’s time to put on your big-boy briefs and deal with this mess you’ve made.

Like I told your friend Bill, “It’s the economy, stupid.” If you can fix that, everything else will be peachy. How? Oh, it’s easy. First thing is, you’re going to make like a housewife and go on a budget. No more fancy plane trips to Spain. No more cushy benefits for public employees. No more payoffs to your playmates in the Unions. No more money for Acorn. Now, now, don’t turn on the waterworks again, it’ll be fine. Just listen.

All you have to do is pass the Fair Tax. No, not the “flat tax,” that’s not the real deal, it’s a fake. The FAIR tax. I think it’s called H.R. 25 these days. It would solve all your problems! Sure, sure, I know, lots of people you don’t like are behind it, but like Poomba says, “You’ve got to put your behind in your past.” We don’t have time for all that partisan stuff right now. You’ve got to fix this mess and the Fair Tax will do it.

It removes all the payroll taxes, which will give business owners a chance to catch their breath and hire new people. You can abolish the IRS and get all of those people off of the government payroll and into real jobs. Can you imagine the statue they’ll erect for the President who abolishes the IRS? You’d look good in marble, don’t you think? 

Just think about the “little” people. Nobody will have to spend the year trying to figure out how to avoid taxes or to keep records for taxes….it’ll be on their receipt at Sam’s Club. No more worries, no more hassle, no more accountants, no more tax cheats. No more April 15th. And my homeboy over at fairtax.org tells me that most families will get a big check around $500 every month, to repay them for the taxes they pay, up to the poverty level. Every month!! Yes, the unwashed masses love “free government money,” don‘t they? This will be huge! This could be the change we believed in!

Now, don’t start posing for that statue yet, you’ve got work to do first. Call my friends Mr. Ryan and Coburn up here to help you, and that Pelosi chick, too, and her buddy Frank. And order some pizza. It’s going to be a long night.